A Whacky Perfectionism or Imposter Syndrome or not?

 In past, I've hesitated and more often beat myself up to call myself a perfectionist. I can be remarkably messy and have trouble with detail.

I call it a day with a 'it is good enough tantrum' and hand things in. My house is clean! Yet, whenever I take a psych test for perfectionism?

OFF THE CHARTS!

Truth be told, I hate to fail. Well, who wouldn't?...

Let me explain.

    My Failure Avoidance System (I call it FAS) leads to a fail safe system called 'Over Work'. I drive myself so hard than any manager ever will, mostly out of fear of failure rather than the love for work. But, they also put me at risk for burn out and exhaustion. I hate this. 'coz I love my work and my FAS supersedes it.

Relating?... Continue reading

    Apparently, you can be sloppy AF and a perfectionist at the same time. I find it confusing and chose to categorize it as my FAS.

    I concluded that this FAS of mine is not about neatness or punctuality or efficacy.

I want.... No!

I need my work to be seen as good and worthwhile by others. The notion of feeling the failure to achieve this aim of mine provokes an intense, almost visceral sense of shame and not so healthy dose of fear. I tend to avoid this feeling as much as possible by working until I get it right.

    The only flaw in this, in an otherwise perfectly flawless plan, is that I never feel I'm RIGHT!

    This variant of perfectionism is not what can be termed as 'maladaptive', but nor is it healthy. I don't beat myself up for missing deadlines. But, I do fear being found out as a failure until people tell me what I've done is good. Only then do I feel a momentary, floating sense of relief, but it doesn't last longer before I get caught up in an another cycle of perfectionism.

    I often don't take much pleasure in my achievements either. However, I must, at some point of time, must crave the praise that comes with success, or I wouldn't work so hard. But, when people actually praise me , I get quite uncomfortable. I feel like the person they are describing is not me, but I have to be there to accept the praise on behalf of him because he sounds pretty awesome 😁

    I suspect academia and R&D Institutions particularly my colleagues are a perfect petri dish for this perfectionist failure avoidance tendency of mine to grow and metastasize because I see people like me all the time. This pattern of behavior is often called 'Imposter Syndrome'. But, I take offense calling this behavior 'a syndrome' because we pathologize a rational reaction to being hierarchical at a competitive workplace surrounded by high achievers.

    From a 45 item bucket list of multi-dimensional perfectionism scale, the term 'perfectionism' can be reduced to notions here under:

• People around expect me to succeed.
• If my work is less than excellent, it will be seen as failure of mine.
• The better I do, the better I'm expected to do.
• Success on this project will mean I have to work harder on the next one to meet the expectations of my peers.

    If you are nodding at this, I'm with you.

    It's easier to understand the socially doctored perfectionism as physical affliction. I've been told by doctors in medical profession that I have a high tolerance for physical pain- which can be pretty dangerous because I don't listen to danger signals from my body.

    I will run with a 'sore ankle' for 10 KM a day and then end up on crutches for weeks. Similarly, socially prescribed perfectionism distorts your internal perception of 'Quality'. You tend to beat yourself up about work because you've set the bar of success so high for yourself. Eventually, your definition of failure changes so much as that your 'standard of failure' is others 'Pretty Damn OK!'

    If you're anything like me, the praise you get from being an over achiever can fire up an internal need of praise but also getting praise doesn't necessarily help you stop and rest.

    Here's the thing. A person who seeks praise and recognition, but then cannot accept or enjoy when offered, probably doesn't love themselves very much.

OOF!!!!!!!!!

    But we need to recognize that these imposter feelings are not a syndrome because it cannot be treated but has to be managed!

    If you're this and know what to do, please a little help here😊

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Stay Safe!